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Acceptance & Denial...

Understanding my diagnosis is something that I haven't yet perfected in the whole 14years I have lived with BP, CD, CPTSD...

 

I am and have been in complete denial, until I come crashing down. I would be admitted to hospital see the doctor for help out of desperation then I would go on medication go back to a psych and practise being mindful of my episodes. After a few months, I am highly energetic motivated will sign up to a million different commitments fearing I have to do everything now and on my own. I would then convince myself I was being dramatic and attention seeking and I should get over myself and be stronger in regards to my mental health. I would stop medication stop therapy and then I would relapse..... and the cycle would start over ... and would have to go through re acknowledging and accepting the diagnosis.

 

Even writing this I am frustrated with myself. Thinking I 'should be better'... and that this isn't real and I should be able to handle life. 

Even though I take mental health seriously and would never put out that anyone else should just be able to deal - it's just the rules I put for myself, even when I try to challenge my negative self my internal voice yells at me to the point that I cant talk over it. It's like not me that puts these unrealistic and horrendous pressure on myself...

 

My question is to you all, has anyone else struggled with acceptance? Is going through these cycles of acceptance and denial common for BP or is this common for many MH conditions? 

 

Last question, I have intense episode of being completely overwhelmed, when my inner self critical voice is so loud i completely break. I believe my loved ones are out to hurt me and leave me, I have no idea how to handle so I yell- but I think I'm talking. I become confrontational until I collapse. Lights and sounds are hell . This would then follow with a week to a fortnight of dibilitating depression.  I am wondering anyone has simular experiences ( im thinking this is my crash from a mania episode as for days leading is when I'm elated and irritable) how do others manage ? How do you protect your love ones from yourself? 

 

Ps, I am still on medication and have talked to my psych about this. However I am just trying to seek support as for I have no one in my life that I can connect with in terms of understanding BP CPTSD or the rollercoaster that comes with it... 

 

Thank you - sorry if I haven't made much sense. I haven't connected on a forum before or with others in the same boat...

 

 

 

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Acceptance & Denial...

 

 

Hi 👋🏻 @BPTrivicalBPD 

welcome to the forum 😊

 

I don’t have BP and therefore haven’t experienced the things you’ve mentioned but wanted to welcome you and let you know that there are many members who experience a diverse range experiences with episodes. Hopefully you’ll get a BP specific response. 

 

I related to the 'I should be better' and being able to handle life. I also connected this to your comment on acceptance. From my perspective when I’m in acceptance of where I’m at in the moment the 'shoulds' quieter down a bit. Then I can flip and be carried away with shoulds and perhaps not accepting of me being me. I don’t have any easy answers but I think finding a way to ground and accept where you are in the moment helps with keeping the shoulds more in the background. 

 

Best wishes 😊

 

 

Re: Acceptance & Denial...

@BPTrivicalBPD  Hi BPTrivicalBPD and welcome to the forum Smiley Happy. I have schizoaffective disorder and yes I am constantly questioning have I got a mental illness.  I feel fine so logically it would seem that I am better so I should come off my meds right but .... if I do and I relapse it would be horrendous. Back into hospital (shudder) depot injections .... let alone what it would do to my family, my children ..... all that kind of keeps me on the straight and narrow.

 

 

Re: Acceptance & Denial...

@Teej  thank you for sharing and for welcoming me.

 

It's comforting to know I'm not alone and connect. 

Re: Acceptance & Denial...

@greenpea 

Thank you for sharing with me, it's comforting to see that I'm not alone. 

Staying out of hospital is my priority whilst trying to stay well... Is been years since however, don't want to ever go back. 

 

It's like ground hog day tho, however I feel I cant realise until I'm smack bang in the middle of a manic or depressive episode. 

 

Do you have any tips when explaining to family when you feel you might not be coping? 

 

Thank you

Re: Acceptance & Denial...

@BPTrivicalBPD  Hey BPTrivicalBPD I am like you I am afraid I dont usually know until it is too late and I am having full blown mania. I tend to be more manic then depressive. Although I spent basically 18 months sleeping almost non stop because I was in deep depression. In full blown mania I am totally unaware of what I am doing ....... I find it is usually my close family, particularly my mother and daughter, who pick up on the fact that I am unwell because of my behaviour.

 

I am of little help I am sorry.... I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I will tag outlander who has BPD (hope you don't mind outlander) she might be able to help a bit more on the explaining to family side of the equation. @outlander . Take good care of yourself BPTrivicalBPD.peaxx

Re: Acceptance & Denial...

morning @greenpea of course its ok to tag me. morning also @Teej

hi @BPTTrivicaBPD and welcome
I don't have BP either but can relate to some of whats happening for you.

the 'I should be better' I think is common among those with mental health issues. Sometimes it feels like we are going to endless appointments, working on coping strategies or just trying to survive but aren't getting anywhere or don't feel any better. this in itself can be frustrating and cause those 'why aren't I better' 'why aren't I getting better' or 'I feel like I should be better now' questions. Don't give up though, as frustrating and as hard as it is baby steps count to.

I can also relate to struggling with acceptance. It took me a few years to accept that I needed help and what I was experiencing isn't 'normal' having cptsd I imagine you may suffer from nightmares or flashbacks as well? this to me was normal.
When I first started seeking help, I was getting diagnoses thrown at me left right and centre and didn't know if I was Arthur or marther and when they did come to the conclusions of my diagnoses it was hard for me to accept them. After I done some research and started to learn more about these conditions it started to make sense as to why I felt and acted the way I did/do and helped me to accept them. Do you think researching your conditions would be helpful in your acceptance as well?

As to how to talk to your family when your not coping- for me I don't have the support of my family. it causes a lot of conflict and the best thing for me was/is to keep it hidden and manage it the best I can on my own and with supports.
Can I ask if your family are aware of your trauma and/or your manic/depressive episodes? sometimes if they are aware of these its abit easier to ask for help from them.
perhaps when you are struggling you could catch up with one or 2 of your close family members or those you feel you could talk to and let them know that you are struggling to cope and explain a little of what is happening for you so that they can try to understand what your going through.

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