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Giving up

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Giving up

This may seem stupid to some, well every time I try and talk about it with my family they make it out as stupid. When I was a child I was an extremely picky eater and wouldn't really eat anything at all, it was basically an eating disorder. The only thing I would eat was cheese, peanut butter sandwhichs and French fries. I was so malnourished my arms would never grow with my body(My family doesn't even remember that's how much attention I got as a child). By the time I was 8 I started to grow breasts(I'm male) from eating nothing with any nutrition. Even though there wasn't anything wrong to make me depressed I was so unhealthy I wouldn't talk to anybody at all and just stay in my room by myself. Eventually i had such low self esteem I wouldn't go out of the house or go to school for over a year (I was 11 or 12) i was too young to understand why i looked the way i looked and why i felt the way i did. Instead of my parents making me eat something they took me to a doctor and was put on anti depressants(it took them a year to even do anything) i was happy again but still suffered from servere low self esteem. My arms and hands were way too short and small for my height, i had breasts and my eyes were basically falling out of my head, i had to squint constantly just so they looked somewhat normal. When i became a teenager i found drugs and alcohol and made me feel so great, I wouldn't care about anything and all my problems went away. I quit school at 15 and if I wasn't out getting drunk and high I would isolate myself from everyone. Even though I always said nothing was wrong, there was and my parents should have known that. Instead of taking the time and effort to get me to eat something and figure out why i was the way i was they just accepted it as who I was and did nothing. When i was old enough to understand everything was due to the way i ate i was pretty much done growing. My body didnt work at that point. My testicles were shrunken to the size of grapes and couldnt even get an erection.. I always tried to change the way i ate and would for a while but being raised to eat like that it is hard to change. That took me down a long road of even worse drug and alcohol problems. I am now sober at 30, but I accomplished nothing with my life. Still have severe low self esteem. I'm 6" with huge shoulders of someone that is 6'3/6'4 but my arms and hands are still the same as when I was 15. My body can't produce testosterone so I can't gain any muscle, I have no teeth from being so unhealty and all the drugs I did, im not able to have a child even if I could get an erection. I just feel cheated out of a normal life. I keep trying and trying to be happy but it never happens. I'm at the point of giving up. I'll never understand why all my problems were ignored as a kid. I probably shouldn't blame my parents but I do. If I was so malnourished my arms wouldn't grow it had to affect me mentally as well, I was always so much less mature then every other kid my age and didn't develop normally at all. I just don't know what to do. Even if I can learn to accept the way I look and the hand I was dealt in life , my body is so damaged I'm not going to have a happy and good life. I just don't know. I don't want to die, but I do at the same time. I can't even get out of bed and barely ate anything in a week. I don't know what to do. Am I being stupid for feeling this way and should just man up and accept who I Am? If this is how i was naturally i could accept, but i know its not. Im just so lost.

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Re: Giving up

hello @Pantera000o and welcome to the forum

thank you for sharing your story

you are not alone my friend , how are you going looking around the forum

if you have any questions please ask

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Re: Giving up

Welcome to the Forums @Pantera000o and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like there have been some incredibly difficult times, but it's great to hear that you are now sober and are thinking about how to accept things the way they are. I imagine that has taken a lot of determination – well done Smiley Happy

 

You are not alone in feeling unable to imagine a happy and good life. There are others here on the Forums who feel or have felt this way.

 

If you'd like to, you can also introduce yourself here. And we have some social spaces where you can discuss poetry, baby animals, gardening or just have a chat.

 

Welcome once again @Pantera000o and please keep posting Smiley Happy