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A Lifetime of Loneliness

Hi. This is my first time here, so I am sorry if this might come out a little incoherent at times, because I am actually nervous about this.

 

So. I am 43, and I am lonely. I always have been, for as long as I can remember when I was young. I’ve never had any friends, not even when I was a child. I was always the subject of a lot of bullying, not just from other kids but from teachers and adults as well. And nobody really seemed to care, not even my family. I still don’t have friends. There is nobody at work to talk with, or even have lunch with. I have tried volunteering, and have had some very bad experiences, mostly more bullying. I go to several groups, like a walking group, but again, there just isn’t anyone there that I can talk with, and most of the time I end up walking alone. I play sport on a Saturday morning, have done for 13 years now, but again, there is nobody to talk with there. I try to start conversations, but, well I can’t remember the last time I talked to someone and got much further than just hello before they walked away. I’ve done classes and courses, with the same thing. Being around people that I share an interest with doesn’t seem to help at all. I go to the gym 3 times a week, but it is not a good place to try and talk to people or meet anyone it seems. I have been going for 2 years and, apart from the staff in the first two weeks I went there, there hasn’t been anyone else to talk with since then. 

 

I go to therapy. This current therapist is, well, to be honest I stopped counting after 25 different therapists since I was 17. Therapy doesn’t help though really. I’ve been on antidepressants, but they had no effect, so I was taken off them. Apart from the depression and social anxiety, I have also been told that I am on the autistic spectrum, although an actual diagnosis seems to differ from therapist to therapist. Most therapists haven’t lasted much longer than 6 months, and then I am sent to yet another one because they don’t know how to help. 

 

My family don’t understand or care very much. They never have. It was always made clear that I am not very important to them. From a young age I was told to just accept that I will never have friends, or a partner. I’m 43, and have never held hands or had my first kiss yet even. I don’t even remember if I have been hugged before, my family were not like that with me, and nobody else has even ever tried to. Even my family will make jokes about how if I want to even hug someone, I will have to go and pay for someone to do it.

 

I even find online difficult to find people to talk with. I have tried many forums, about many topics. This isn’t the first forum like this I have tried really, but, like everything, they weren’t any help. I don’t have anyone online to talk with either. Have tried many different sites and apps to try and meet people, some that I was on for over 10 years, but never found anyone to talk with, and never even got a reply or response from anyone. 

 

I just don’t know what to do. What is often suggested I try, I usually have tried before already. Many, many times. I feel so isolated, not just socially, but physically and emotionally. I have called things like Lifeline before, but, just a voice at the end of the phone doesn’t ease the loneliness at all, and often feel like they don’t understand anyway. I’m just so tired of trying, and trying, and trying, and not getting anywhere, not finding anyone to meet, still being without friends. I hate to say it, but hope is running very, very low.

 

Sorry if this has been too long, I guess I understand if nobody has read through it. 

 

11 REPLIES 11

Re: A Lifetime of Loneliness

Hi @JosRapp and welcome to the forum. I think it's brave to do something when you're nervous. I can imagine it might have been hard to write your first post here given you've tried what sounds like heaps of things before including forums, but nothing seems to help. I'm sorry your family don't seem to understand or care much. I'd find it very hurtful to hear jokes like the one you mentioned them saying 🙁

Have you had a look around the forum? There are lots of spaces to get involved in and heaps of people here to 'meet'. The weekend can be a bit quieter than during the week and more people may be around to say hi tomorrow.

I'm not far off logging out for the night but I read your post and wanted to say welcome before I head out. Looking forward to seeing you around.

Re: A Lifetime of Loneliness

hi @JosRapp 
I can relate to the feeling of isolation and lonliness. it isn't very easy to manage it. it definently sounds like you've had a lot to deal with despite trying the things you know.
I unfortunately don't have much to add as you've tried the things I would've suggested but I do hope others might have some other ideas.

In the meantime please join in to other threads here such as @Re: Good Morning!  Anyone feel like chatting? Saturday Soiree - all welcome!!  which are social threads where many members just hang around and chat. your welcome anywhere you like. 

weve got many interest threads as well from crafty, to art, to gardening, different animals... 

 

A forum tip is to put an @ before a members name and itll tag the member for you so they recieve a notification. 

Re: A Lifetime of Loneliness

 

Hi @JosRapp Smiley Happy

Welcome to the forum

I really hope to see you around

Take care of you...

Re: A Lifetime of Loneliness

@JosRapp  Hey JosRapp and welcome to the forum. Don't worry my friend there are many people here on the forum who feel the same you are not alone. Please feel free to look around the various threads and join in when you are feeling able. Two of the ones I talk on are the good morning thread and a long rave thread. Both of which are full of kind and caring people.

 

Just dont give up. I am generally online throughout the night in the early morning to you can reach out to me anytime and I will endeavour to get back to you asap.

 

When you want to talk with some one in particular just put a @ infront of their name and that will notify them that a message has been by you to them. 

 

I hope to see you around and remember anytime you want a friend just reach out to me and others. Love peaxx

Re: A Lifetime of Loneliness

@JosRapp  ps: I have two children on the autistic spectrum so I get it (I am 54) they are in their 20s. They have social anxiety and difficulty making real life friendships. I understand personally how hard it is. Don't worry you can talk with me anytime. pea

Re: A Lifetime of Loneliness

Hello @JosRapp , how aer you going today xoxo

Re: A Lifetime of Loneliness

Thanks @CheerBear , will have a look around the site. I usually find it very difficult to get involved in threads on online forums like this, but I will see what there is I guess. 

Re: A Lifetime of Loneliness

Thanks @greenpea, it seems quite odd, but I was only diagnosed with being autistic when I was 40. Whenever it was suggested before then, I was always told that I wasn’t. Even now, some therapists have said that I am, and others have said that I’m not. Sort of feels like I was diagnosed with it just because they don’t know what it is wrong with me.

Re: A Lifetime of Loneliness

@JosRapp  Hey JosRapp my daughter is high functioning/aspergers autistic and it is hard to pick up unless someone is really aware of the spectrum. I suppose what I am saying is that it can be easily missed which makes the diagnosis hard for the client.  You sound very much like my daughter. From what you have posted I would say without a doubt that you are on the spectrum. When you were a child the spectrum was much smaller it is only now that it has a broader context which is why it would have been missed for you for so long.

 

I am so glad that you got back to me. I have been thinking about you on and off today and hoping that you had a peaceful day and that you find your time on the forums kind and caring. Have you had a chance to look around the forum? Like I said in my first post dont give up. Give our forum a chance. Keep posting oh and another great thread is the Friday night feast. It is held every friday at about 7pm eastst. It really is good fun and is a great way to meet a range of formites.

 

Talk soon. peaxx

 

 

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