08-02-2019 04:38 PM
It is common that those closest to us can upset us so much @Wanderer They take their own fears and frustrations out on us simply because we are the closest and most forgiving and still love them despite their behaviour. That does not mean that it doesn't have a huge effect on us or that it is okay but it does go someway to explaining their behaviour.
It is horrible that you had such a bad day yesterday and I do hope today is a little easier on you. It is debilitating when those fears and anxieties take over and it makes it even worse when you have someone close to you treating you badly. If you have managed to get through today with a little less of those dissasociate or derealisation feelings then it is already a better day than yesterday. Hoping very much for you that the weekend is a lot better and you can start to feel more grounded and less physically ill - and hoping also that your daughter is a lot nicer to you.
Thinking of you @Wanderer
08-02-2019 10:52 PM
Today was pretty bad as well.
Disassociation is still there and got a lot worse during the day. Had to stay at home, watch a movie. Was an effort, just holding together to get home.
Daughter slowly got better later on this afternoon but damage is always done. (why is she being nice, is it real?) I can feel myself building walls for my own protection and it hurts but I can't go through that too many times.
Hoping to get some rest this weekend.
I care too much, I need to stop.
09-02-2019 03:38 PM
@Wanderer It is hard when you have been hurt by those closest to you - you fear the inevitable happening again and can't get any enjoyment out of the nice things they do and say as a result. I understand that wall building - still do that to a certain extent with my family - that has improved of late though.
Not good that you are still feeling so down - selling the farm whilst necessary would be adding more pressure on you too - especially as you do not have a house of your own yet to move into. Go easy on yourself @Wanderer - you are doing the best you can do under the circumstances
10-02-2019 12:05 AM
It is always good to hear from you.
We (daughter and I) spent the day together, we had fun even if it was tempered by sadness.
She tried, a little too hard perhaps, but trying is positive, and I felt empty, though I lowered the walls and let her in. This with the acknowledgement that I am most likely overthinking things.
All in all, the day was good and tomorrow should be too.
For now I feel changed, lost, I can't find peace thinking only of myself, and yet I have lost the last of my trust, and belief, in humanity.
My roller coaster emotions have changed to a kaleidoscope world, changing from one minute to the next, never stopping, a contradiction of emotions and thoughts, an abstract existence.
I stand on the crumbling battlements and wonder what awaits as Atlantis falls into the sea around me. And the wind is still blowing, faint echoes of forgotten times whispered on its dying breath. A ghost, a fading memory of the past, I am the silence in the wind.
10-02-2019 08:56 AM
I felt every word you wrote here @Wanderer It is so hard to get through every day when you feel in such a precarious position. It is great that your daughter is trying but I also understand that reluctance to believe in the efforts when you have been so badly hurt by her words. It is a good sign though that she understands how her actions have affected you and is trying - hopefully that continues and you can begin to trust in her and the rest of the world again. Trust is such a hard thing to find and once we lose that it is so incredibly hard to get back. It makes it even harder when your emotions are constantly changing - there is no peace in that at all @Wanderer - it is just a rollercoaster as you have stated. My thoughts are definitley with you. I hope today is a good day for you and you can feel a little less conflicted with your emotions admist it all.
10-02-2019 09:37 AM
Today begins @Zoe7, and I am thinking of all those on the forum, knowing each has problems and difficult times to deal with, I am glad your new work is going well.
I am still neck deep in paperwork settling the farm sale, sorting school fees etc, and trying to get help from centre link. Also chasing money owed by someone from last years silage, have debt collectors involved now for that one. Will be chasing another bloke today for this years silage.
Have other kids as well that need direction, albeit under strained conditions. Soon will also be dealing with settlement and divorce so have a massive work load which hopefully will continue to decrease as each item is ticked off. Each step brings a great deal of relief.
Trying to hold together as we move forward, still dealing with unforseen consequences to some of those issues however, so always on guard.
Great deal of stress.
Am going to get the day moving now, will check the forum as I can.
Thank you again.
10-02-2019 10:15 AM
You definitely have a lot going on still @Wanderer It is hard chasing up people for money - especially after so long - hope that all gets sorted for you soon too.
You do sound a little brighter today though - hope that continues throughout the day as you get the things done you need to. I am taking it very easy still after being unwell yesterday. I have already been to the shop and chemist so now can concentrate on a few things I need to get done around the house. Definitely will be only doing a little today with plenty of resting in between - I have more energy than I had yesterday but don't want to ver do it.
It is lovely that you think of others on the forum @Wanderer - I think this community is somewhere that we see the best of humanity with how well each one of us supports each other despite what each individual is themselves going through - it is certainly not a reflection on wider society - it would be a much better world if it was!
11-02-2019 12:07 AM
Today was good. We looked at more houses and had dinner in the park. Daughter is still practising on her new (second hand) skateboard and loving it. Doing well on it too.
This afternoon was a let down as the person who bought this year's silage is now debating the price after the deal. GST issues.
We all need rest and probably don't give ourselves enough. Seems to always be something needing immediate attention, glad you are getting your rest.
I agree; the forum and humanity. Seems society prefers selfishness and greed, gravity has brought us here. I often look for social groups outside cyberspace to be a part of, like writers clubs and such but nothing yet. Most are just extensions of humanity.
The forum is something different again, a place to be free and share. A place of respect and openness.
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