10-02-2019 11:23 PM
Hey guys I'll try not to rant to long .
Basically ever since I was younger , I have struggled to show and give emotion , especially empathy. I have had some traumatic experiences when I was younger . I was molested on multiple occasions by a mature student I was like 11 and he was around 18 and I just remember being completely powerless and frozen while he put his hands where he wanted to . this event made me hate my body , and my body image today I still struggle with over this .
I constantly feel numb to emotions, and feel a complete disconnect to my physical body . It's like I'm just some sort of robot and my mind is it's own ball of energy . When I'm faced with emotional events like my mum breaking down or a funeral , I just can't be there for them as I can't show the emotion they need .
My boss always says I'm in "Dreamland " and I can't think and remember things well sometimes . And when I'm completing tasks I'm usually very deep in thought about random stuff . Even yesterday at the gym , when I run on the treadmill I lose track of time ,and then I realise I'm having a disconnect again and my mind is literally not with my body . But I get these voices that say " glad this body is strong " " we are so powerful with this one " I remember thinking this . But was this me thinking this ? Anyway back into my body shit I need to slow down I'm stuffed .
Then there is other times when I'm out shopping and I feel like my head is in the ceiling and I'm just observing my body walk and I have to think about my body's actions like " move your head " stop looking at her " " smile more " . It's like I can't just do the actions naturally I literally have to think them out . This doesn't happen all the time , but it happens enough to make me worried .
The other time this happens was when I smoked a lot of weed . I just remember floating up again into my dreamland and every step I was taking was so heavy. Idk I don't usually talk about this stuff because I don't want to be thought of as crazy . But yeah this is some of the stuff I deal with and am trying to figure out. Also my friend always comments on how I just forget plans that were made ,or just forgetting things from a few days ago that we did . Im really starting to get sick of this terrible memory to be honest . But hopefully this will be a good place to talk to people about this sort of stuff because I never talk to anyone about this
10-02-2019 12:43 PM - edited 10-02-2019 12:44 PM
Hi and welcome @Ewok to our caring community; 🖐
From what you've written I can see how much courage it took to post your concerns, so well done! Getting those fears out in the open, not only for us to read, but from your mind onto the page, is mighty; so hopefully together we can make a difference to your life.
Your username; 'Ewok' would suggest a Starwars fan, (I am too) and some activities you've mentioned might tell me you're a young man? I hope I'm correct as identifying members' gender can be a guessing game at times. I'm a mature woman by the way.
I'm sorry you've been through childhood sexual assault. It happened to me too and to many people on this site, so please don't feel alone ok; we understand and completely empathise. It's a difficult situation to overcome, but with the right supports in place, life can improve immensely.
When you were assaulted, your brain took over due to your lack of experience and understanding. It's equipped to deal with situations automatically without your conscious approval or knowledge.
Feeling threatened triggers a normal response called the Fight, Flight or Freeze response. The brain prepares your body to run away, fight, or in severe cases, will shut down emotions to make the situation more tolerable and kind to your young mind.
All animals have this ability, thats why you see prey going limp in the mouth of a predator. (Lion and gazelle for instance) It's called 'dissociation' and is very common in children who go through this type of trauma. In my situation I lost all sense of where I was and 'went away', which made the memory go away too. It came back in my 30's when I was better able to cope with it.
The symptoms you speak of are totally normal ok. Zoning out (dissociating) occurs at times of stress or not being 'present' in your environment; day dreaming for instance or not focusing on what's going on around you. It's a 'habit' formed from times when the trauma's occurred.
It might be a good idea to speak with your GP about this because they can refer you to a psychologist who'll help you learn how to cope and hopefully, get your life back on track. Undoing this habit can be somewhat painful as facing certain aspects of your experiences will need to be explored. It's all worth it though Ewok as improving daily life will affect your future and help you feel more confident.
This has been a long rant too my friend. Hopefully you've gained some insight though about what's happening to you and to know there's light at the end of the tunnel. I look forward to hearing from you...
10-02-2019 05:56 PM
Thanks Hope , It took a while to try to get something out of my head onto the page, Its just really embarrsing to be honest. But yes I am a StarWars fan , and you guessed it as well Im 22 M .
Thanks for a bit of knowledge into the sexual assault what you said all makes complete sense. And its true what you said "your lack of experience and understanding." because when I was younger I always refered to him as the bully . Only to look back when your older and wiser, and realise how messed up that was what he did to me.
But I feel confident in speaking on paper about it, Because it allows me to take control , and vent . However I face the stigma of being a Male victim . And as a male in this current society you are not suppose to be a victim. And thats why I dont really speak about this .
I have always wanted to go to a profesional phsycologist however I hold onto this stupid thing in my head where I think that im admitting defeat If i go . And that I am then the victim I don't want to be .
Il probably post more about my struggles here. It seems like a good place to start, at least.
Cheers. Ewok .
11-02-2019 10:12 PM - edited 11-02-2019 10:13 PM
Hi again @Ewok
I'm so glad you replied as it's important you continue writing, as you say. I'm also happy you gained something from my post, that's a plus for me. 😁 It's nice to feel helpful...
I do understand about the male aspect of sexual assault. As with men being assaulted by women, (which happens a lot btw!) the same stigma applies. I guess the thing to remember and maybe practice with your daily decision making, is putting your well-being first and foremost; before others or the wider community.
I totally understand how difficult it can be to pry words from your mouth when you're frightened of the response. It took me until I was in my 30's to say "No.." to my mum. I was driving when it came out and then silently white knuckled it as she swore and berated me all the way home. It was around the same time that my memories started coming back.
I suggested talking with your GP first as an ice breaker. You don't have to go into detail, just mention you're experiencing some symptoms from childhood trauma that might be helped by a psychologist. Tell the GP you're afraid of being judged as weak and they'll take it from there.
Change can only come with support. These professionals have heard it all before I can assure you. It's like learning to do anything actually; you just need to take that first step and the rest will follow.
Please don't feel I'm pushing you either. This is a huge undertaking, so do it at your own pace ok. Writing on here for a while might help you settle until you have the courage to speak to someone face to face.
Also, Lifeline and Sane Australia have crisis consultants to test the waters first. You and they are anonymous so it's easier to get things out. Lifeline: 131114 and Sane: 1800 18 7263
I'm still looking forward to reading your thoughts when you're ready and giving feedback. It's an important part of my recovery as well as yours. By helping others, I feel valuable which raises my confidence. Just so you know 👌👵
Take care Ewok;
May the force be with you...💥
11-02-2019 10:43 PM
Thanks Hope . I want to eventually have the guts to tell my parents . I have only told my ex missus and two of my best friends .It was one of the hardest things to say .
I need to just take the step to see someone about how I feel . It isn't healthy to be just numb all the time
12-02-2019 08:43 PM
Hey, I get it @Ewok
I'm really glad you've told people you trust. I hope their responses were hopeful.
It's a step by step process. I'm totally confident you'll take it easy and get there. You have self awareness and drive and that's awsome!
I'm here to listen when you feel the urge to write ok. I'm in your corner...
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