Forums Home

Lived Experience Forum

Acceptance, connection, support. Share the journey.

Safe, anonymous discussion for people living with mental illness, moderated 24/7 by mental health professionals.

Read the community guidelines
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

Senior Contributor

Old Habits

Swamped by darkness again...

I feel like I have lost control of my thoughts again and all these old habits are back to do the job of protecting me from the world because I have failed and let those parts of the world back in that bring the darkness.

The worst of it all is the negative thoughts and self hate. The smallest thought is snowballing into ideas of uselessness, hopelessness and why bothers. These then lead me to isolating myself from the world. I only leave the confines of my house walls when I absolutely need to (for food which I am not interested in eating) and I always use the self checkouts to avoid having to interact with people. When I have to interact with people, at work, I get instantly irritated an just want to be alone. I have in the past described myself as a working hermit...but working in my current job is getting harder and harder for me. I hate it but have no experience as it is the only job I have ever had. 

My anxiety is so full on right now also I have had an ongoing headache (to differeing levels) from clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth (even with wearing an occlussal splint when sleeping).

It has taken me over a month to admit this to myself that things are not ok again. I found myself sitting in the shower on the verge of tears just trying to hold it all together. I had been doing ok, even my psychiatrist said we seemed to have found that good balance but I think I am about to break again...

Being mentally ill just so exhausting and draining and leaving me wondering if it really worth surviving. I know I won't do anything stupid despite some of my thoughts and wishing but I just don't know how I will go through this all again.



Re: Old Habits

I hear you and I relate.
Do you meditate? I do guided meditations by The Mindful Movement on YouTube. Cultivating Self love and Inner peace and calm are 2 good self acceptance meditations.
I don't do other humans when I'm in my triggered state and I'll avoid them like the plague. I work alone a lot which suits me well. I'm scheduled to work with one other person tomorrow and I'm calling in sick. I can't front the world right now let alone work along side someone all day. I guess I need to front up at some stage though.

Re: Old Habits

I have tried meditation and also CBT (for 2 years) but nothing has been able to calm or change my thoughts. I could tell the psychologist exactly what my thought errors were and what i should be saying and thinking but I was never able to believe the alternatives. Thank you for your suggestions tho. I hope things settle down for you.

Re: Old Habits

Hi @BlackCat13

Things sound very hard for you. Try not to be so hard on yourself because youve slipped back. Everyone stumbles and falls sometimes.
Do you think it would be worth checking i with your psychiatrist again soon? And perhaps a psychologist as well for support?

If its your job causing you this much stress perhaps it would be worth looking at aome other jobs to try? One thats better suited to you?

Hi @PaxC and welcome to you too.
Things sound rather tough for you as well. Please feel free to have a look around and see where you'd like to join in. Your also most welcome to start a thread for yourself as well

Re: Old Habits

I see my psychiatrist again on Thursday. I have seen him fortnightly since November 2011 and still cry nearly every appointment.  It has been 3 weeks since my last visit as he had a tribunal case in court last week. I also saw a psychologist for 2 years and underwent CBT. Like I said before I could tell here every type of thought and what I should be changing it to, but I believed none of it. She said to take a break because she wasn’t sure what to try next, basically gave up on me is how I saw it. 

I have been a primary school teacher for the last 23 years and it is the only job I have ever had. Never done anything else as I was just too shy to get a job as a teenager (hindsight now says that it was more)

Re: Old Habits

I know some lovley teachers here that might be able to offer some advice as well @BlackCat13

There are other forms of therapy besides cbt. Could you look into other sorts like dbt,schema therapy, act, psychotherapy, im sure theres others but cant think atm. Or your therapist may not have been the right one for you.

@Teej @Former-Member @Zoe7 ....

Re: Old Habits

I too am a Primary School teacher @BlackCat13 but have been off work for 2 years. I am just in the process of beginning to return to work in some capacity. This involves doing some volunteer work at the school to get back into the work but without the responsibilities ...with the aim to go back officially 2 days a week sometime next term.

I also did CBT with a psychologist but we had to stop because it was too distressing for me. I now do DBT and have regular (weekly) sessions with my psychiatrist. Both my psychiatrist and GP (who I see weekly also) have been great supports for me.

I am finding DBT helpful but it is full-on most weeks. 

I hope you ppointment with you psychiatrist goes well this Thursday.

It is great that you have started a thread where you can connect with people @BlackCat13 and feel free to tag me Smiley Very Happy

Re: Old Habits

No work for the rest of this week...saw a GP who gave me a medical certificate. I don't think I will see him again. It's a long story but I don't have a regular GP at the moment, I cannot find one I like and that I can get appointments sooner than a week or longer. This guy kept telling me stories about people who were worse off than me and how his mother had left him at school on his first day as a 5 year old expecting him to take notice and get himself home, he also seemed to want me to say I should change my medications with him and that it was highly unusual that I would have been seeing my psychiatrist almost every fortnight for nearly 7 years despite me mentioning how difficult it is for me to trust and that it has taken this long to develop a relationship where I can start sharing. Also thought it weird that I would be seeing a psychiatrist and not a psychologist (even tho I did for 2 years unsuccessfully). While I am good with not going to work for the next 3 days (I don't work Fridays so I can see my Psych) I am a little more shaken after this GP visit.


Re: Old Habits

Thank you

Re: Old Habits

Hi @BlackCat13

If you put an @ symbol before the members name itll tag them for you just as ive done for you name.

The gp session didnt sound like it went all that well. You need to do what is best for you and if you felt uncomfortable or this one wasnt a good match then its ok to tey another one.

A psychiatrist deals mostly with medications though some are good and do both some counselling and med reviews. When you see them if you were interested in seeing a psychologist you could ask them about it and also what sort of therapies they suggest you try since cbt isnt suiting you.

For urgent assistance, call: