02-09-2018 05:19 PM
Swamped by darkness again...
I feel like I have lost control of my thoughts again and all these old habits are back to do the job of protecting me from the world because I have failed and let those parts of the world back in that bring the darkness.
The worst of it all is the negative thoughts and self hate. The smallest thought is snowballing into ideas of uselessness, hopelessness and why bothers. These then lead me to isolating myself from the world. I only leave the confines of my house walls when I absolutely need to (for food which I am not interested in eating) and I always use the self checkouts to avoid having to interact with people. When I have to interact with people, at work, I get instantly irritated an just want to be alone. I have in the past described myself as a working hermit...but working in my current job is getting harder and harder for me. I hate it but have no experience as it is the only job I have ever had.
My anxiety is so full on right now also I have had an ongoing headache (to differeing levels) from clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth (even with wearing an occlussal splint when sleeping).
It has taken me over a month to admit this to myself that things are not ok again. I found myself sitting in the shower on the verge of tears just trying to hold it all together. I had been doing ok, even my psychiatrist said we seemed to have found that good balance but I think I am about to break again...
Being mentally ill just so exhausting and draining and leaving me wondering if it really worth surviving. I know I won't do anything stupid despite some of my thoughts and wishing but I just don't know how I will go through this all again.
02-09-2018 08:27 PM
02-09-2018 08:45 PM
I have tried meditation and also CBT (for 2 years) but nothing has been able to calm or change my thoughts. I could tell the psychologist exactly what my thought errors were and what i should be saying and thinking but I was never able to believe the alternatives. Thank you for your suggestions tho. I hope things settle down for you.
02-09-2018 10:22 PM
02-09-2018 11:37 PM
I see my psychiatrist again on Thursday. I have seen him fortnightly since November 2011 and still cry nearly every appointment. It has been 3 weeks since my last visit as he had a tribunal case in court last week. I also saw a psychologist for 2 years and underwent CBT. Like I said before I could tell here every type of thought and what I should be changing it to, but I believed none of it. She said to take a break because she wasn’t sure what to try next, basically gave up on me is how I saw it.
I have been a primary school teacher for the last 23 years and it is the only job I have ever had. Never done anything else as I was just too shy to get a job as a teenager (hindsight now says that it was more)
02-09-2018 11:42 PM
03-09-2018 08:54 AM
I too am a Primary School teacher @BlackCat13 but have been off work for 2 years. I am just in the process of beginning to return to work in some capacity. This involves doing some volunteer work at the school to get back into the work but without the responsibilities ...with the aim to go back officially 2 days a week sometime next term.
I also did CBT with a psychologist but we had to stop because it was too distressing for me. I now do DBT and have regular (weekly) sessions with my psychiatrist. Both my psychiatrist and GP (who I see weekly also) have been great supports for me.
I am finding DBT helpful but it is full-on most weeks.
I hope you ppointment with you psychiatrist goes well this Thursday.
It is great that you have started a thread where you can connect with people @BlackCat13 and feel free to tag me
03-09-2018 08:20 PM
No work for the rest of this week...saw a GP who gave me a medical certificate. I don't think I will see him again. It's a long story but I don't have a regular GP at the moment, I cannot find one I like and that I can get appointments sooner than a week or longer. This guy kept telling me stories about people who were worse off than me and how his mother had left him at school on his first day as a 5 year old expecting him to take notice and get himself home, he also seemed to want me to say I should change my medications with him and that it was highly unusual that I would have been seeing my psychiatrist almost every fortnight for nearly 7 years despite me mentioning how difficult it is for me to trust and that it has taken this long to develop a relationship where I can start sharing. Also thought it weird that I would be seeing a psychiatrist and not a psychologist (even tho I did for 2 years unsuccessfully). While I am good with not going to work for the next 3 days (I don't work Fridays so I can see my Psych) I am a little more shaken after this GP visit.
03-09-2018 09:45 PM
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