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Casual Contributor

The light has gone

First time here. A single mum with 3 amazing kids at home (11,16,18), just had my fulltime work cut down to finish at school time to accommodate my kids needing more support as their father doesn't want to see them hardly at all anymore, so now money is really tight, I have no family support other than my Dad who lives in rural WA. Had massive DV incident at the beginning of last year which has me with PTSD, I have bulging discs in my back and once an athlete now can't do much as I'm in constant pain all day but can't take pain killers as I have to be switched on for work and my kids.  I have a few close friends of whom I hate having to ask for help from, but have had to of late.  I feel sooo very alone, and have isolated myself I guess over the past 2 years to avoid anyone else in my life getting close and then also leaving or hurting me.  Everyone thinks I've got it together, but I can't paint my face on anymore, the lonliness and hope has gone.  I can't spend the rest of my life like this.  I help everyone else with all my heart, and yet have no-one to help me and the lives of my children are on my shoulders, and it's too heavy. Last night I took a whole bunch of pills and hoped i wouldn't wake up. My own mother walked out on me 5 years ago when my husband and I divorced, stating I didn't have a right to be happy because I have children. Who abandons their daughter like that?  I have had more good days than bad, but this week has been so hard that I truly need help and can't talk about it for fear of them putting me in hospital, taking my kids off me etc.  I spent the night vomitting and sleeping, and most of the day the same.  My boss is amazing and offered to take my kids to school for me, which I accepted for the first time. My kids just think I had a migraine. I'm so lonely and sad that I have to ask for help, and that I have no family or partner to just see me and rescue me.  Any help now is because they have to.  That alone reenforces my lonliness and it's too much.  I just want someone to hold me while I cry, because if I cry now I don't stop, and I can't let my kids see me like that as they have the biggest hearts and will then worry about me and that's not their job.  This is a little all over the place in terms of writing, but I don't have the energy to read over it so I apologise if I'm embarrassing myself or something else.  I don't know anymore. I'm just not made for this world and yet my kids are the most amazing human beings ever born and they have no-one else to love them.  I need a mum, a sister / brother, partner, anyone. Smiley Sad

5 REPLIES

Re: The light has gone

Hi @iswhatitis, welcome to the forum.

My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. You have no reason to be embarrassed. If you stick around the forums you will meet kind people and be able to talk about how you feel. There are some other single mums on the forum, who share experiences. There are also people, like myself, with both physical and mental illness. Lifeline can be another resource for more direct or emergency support.

Phone: 13 11 14

https://www.lifeline.org.au

Wishing you well.

Re: The light has gone

Hi iswhatitis, welcome to the forum. i have just sent you an email with some additional support services that you may want to use. It sounds like things have been really tough for you and i hope you can get the support you need. 

 

Warm regards 

Traveller

Re: The light has gone

Hi @iswhatitis. I'm really sorry to hear how hard things have been for you lately. It sounds like you've done an amazing job at keeping it all together for you and your family. I live with PTSD also and am a single mum of three too. Like it seems you do, I work seriously hard to give my kids a good life. It can be really difficult to keep it together and very tiring. There's a lot of stress and worry that comes with being a single parent and sometimes it does get a bit too much especially with mental health and physical health challenges as well.

I can feel very alone with the heaviness of it all sometimes. Those alone feelings are what drove me to connect here on the forum and I have found it really helpful to have a place to be able to share things around people who 'get it' like so many do here. As Mazarita mentioned there is no reason to be embarrassed.

It's really good to see you here and reaching out as you don't need to go through hard times on your own. We're definitely not alone here.

Re: The light has gone

@CheerBear thank you. To wake up and read your message made me cry, but a good cry. I've been hiding away from the kids and craving someone to wrap their arms around, but just remembered that last time i was this dark, my 11 year old with his amazing soul came and held me (thinking i had migraine) and my god it was the best thing in the world. I just can't let him see me cry which is hard to control right now.  Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Im getting up and will see what hsppens  xxxxxx

Re: The light has gone

Hi @iswhatitis ☺ It's nice to hear from you again. Your 11 year old sounds beautiful 💗 Those kinds of moments, sharing special times with my kids, have kept me going through hard times. As much as having kids can bring lots of stress, I find there's so much about it that can add meaning and purpose.

 

I understand the feeling of not wanting to let our kids see us upset. I really struggled with that one for a long time, I still do, but I'm coming around to the idea that maybe it isn't the worst thing ever for my kids to see that I too am pretty 'human'. I have limits, I can't do everything, I need to take care of myself also, and sometimes things are just pretty average (or worse). I used to want them to think of me like I was some kind of superwoman but now I think I want them to know that it's OK and pretty normal for everyone to have a hard time at times, and that everyone deserves support (there's always the little part inside that would much prefer to be a superhero though!).

 

I thought I'd link you to some threads on the forum if you're interested. There's this parenting space here where you may be able to get to know some other parents - there are lots of us around. We also have Friday Feast (a virtual dinner) on Friday nights here which can be another great way to get to know people. You can also keep chatting here or anywhere else on the forum, if you'd like - there's always someone around ☺

 

I hope whatever happens today, there's some good in the day for you and yours.

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