09-01-2019 10:22 PM
Something's not right alright... Not sure why I'm falling to pieces atm and short of listening ears. Hope someone here can put up with me.
I'm walking in circles at home... well, not literally, just can't seem to stay focused or finish anything... if I can even remember what it is I got out of the chair to do half the time...
And snappy with people, everywhere, rude even (which is so out of character for me), the slightest hint of being 'had' or criticised or misunderstood... oh boy, I just can't keep it in atm. The internal pressure cooker wants to explode & I don't know how to stop it.
I'm at the crossroads in life, moving and deciding if to bother starting again, or just quit on life / die.
And what's scary about that lately, is the thought of it doesn't make me scared anymore - like its just what I'm supposed to do. Do you think God would factor in a premature departure (suicide / depression?) like he accepts other illnesses that separate spirit & body?
Its just those kinds of dark thoughts, but not like crisis level or that, just trying to find my way, or other alternatives, something to look fwd to.... to keep me here. I can't see a future worth living & don't feel the internal resources keep fighting.
Don't tell me to run off & get antidepressants... I'm on them. Or psychotherapy - that's in progress... I think maybe I just want to be heard. Not changedchanged (disapproved of)... just cared about... Is that too much to ask from life? Oh I know God loves me and all that, but I still live on earth...
Do you know what I'm trying to say?Does anyone ever feel this way? I just feel so totally spent - the end of the line... ... ...
My two church supports are away at the moment, not that I lean on them heavy, I'm just conscious there gone...
Ha! Horrible feeling like the only close people in ya life need to take a holiday away from you, well, maybe some of the others I notice they have to deal with more, none the less - feeling abandoned
10-01-2019 07:46 AM
I totally get where you are sitting @EOR I used to feel pretty much the same all the time - depression can certainy take hold and make us feel worthless and useless. You are on AD but you may need a change in those meds or even an increase - something to think about talking with your GP/pdoc with. It took me nearly 2 years and many changes of meds and doses to get to the right mix that worked but we did get there, That doesn't help you right now though with all that you are feeling but hoping getting some of it out and being heard helps a little.
Moving is also a big thing that disrupts your life - so factor in that change is not always easy to deal with and that would be adding to the pressures you feel. ...and having your church supports away is also a scary thing as you don't have that support that you hve relied on in the past.
All of this coming at once would be leaving anyone doubting where they are at. Getting through these things is hard for you but get through day by day an feel free to tag me in here if you need thst extra support
10-01-2019 08:30 AM
10-01-2019 09:43 AM
Depression does suck @EOR but you have got a few things done and that is a positive. I think that we focus so much on the negatives that the positive things we do get passed over. It is a bit like conditioning our children or even puppy dogs - the more we recognise and reward the good things the more they will be done. Depression I see a bit like that - if we start to recognise the good things we do more often then our negative self talk lessens over time . It is by no means an easy thing to do though and takes lots of practice as I we are often predisposed to recognise and react to the negative stuff and then that takes over our lives.
Losing you support people for a time would be contributing to how you are feeling as it seems that those people are significant influences in your life and when you rely on something that is no longer there it can hit us quite hard. How long will they be away for?
10-01-2019 02:08 PM
10-01-2019 02:53 PM
Happy to chat with you @EOR and if that makes you feel a little less alone right now then that makes me happy as well. SOmetimes we need that support and don't feel like you can't reach out when you do because you deserve it as well.
11-01-2019 05:50 PM
Yes I have felt like you. Anyone look at me the wrong way or tell me something I didn't want to hear, that's it, I would be off. Easily irritated. Quick to anger. Rage burning in my blood. And it was not like me. I'm not like that normally.
So I told my psychiatrist, loud and clear, and probably rudely, what I was dealing with. He reduced my anti depressant straight away and added a mood stabiliser. Instant relief. I was back to my normal self and even better, my Depression disappeared.
Yes, you have a therapist and are taking your meds, but sounds like your meds need adjusting. This isn't who you are.
I hope you find relief soon.
12-01-2019 12:25 AM
@EOR. Tell your psychiatrist what you are dealing with and I'm sure he/she will know what meds will work best for you.
12-01-2019 07:17 AM
@utopia is right @EOR tell your psychiatrist what you are dealing with and hopefully they will add in a med to help. I also have a mood stabiliser and it helped me with mydepression. The biggest impact for me was my sleepy meds - getting then right meant I not only can sleep now but it also helps me function each day and more importantly that allowed me the space and time to deal with my thoughts. I couldn't cope with those when I was so tired so sleep, and consistent sleep, allowed me to deal with things so much better.
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