@Sophia1update... had a pyschology session yesterday and had psychiatry session today... the theme I'm picking up on-is 'you could be doing more' based on their and the systems agenda... example... volunteering my time... part/full time work... sleeping better... eating better... exercising... and being more active... i said 'it sounds like unrealistic expectations and you shouldn't be disappointed with myself...'
I also said... 'i understand/hear what you're saying and why you're saying it... but what you've got to understand is-that I've been through it all before and it hasn't worked...' 'It's about realistic expectations... and about what I'm imagining and not what you're imagining...'
It's hard to put my trust and faith in people when essentially they've not walked a single day in my shoes... and essentially they're only available by appointment after a lengthy wait... plus they do to me what they do to everyone else... plus are paid and then clock off and become totally different people...
I sensed there was disappointment toward myself from their behalf for not striving to meet their expectations... (not performing like a dancing bear basically...)
But yea i gotta realize they're trying to help me do well and be healthy...
And i said... 'I understand what you're getting at... but what i need you to know is-i am doing everything you're suggesting... just in my own way... and in my own time... based around my own realistic expectations of myself...' 'what it looks like for you... and what it looks like for me... are probably completely differnt visions...' however, I'm trying to take everything on board and make my own interpretation of it and then manifest it-into reality...
The initial problems i presented them with... -was underlying illness/symptoms/thinking styles... medication side effect issues... and comorbidity problems... which was very quickly unacknowledged and discredited... and basically the responsibility and accountability for these matters was passed back onto myself...'
I also talked about my instinctive drive and motivation to provide myself with my basic external needs... which i feel the illness, side effects and comorbidity prevents me from doing... independently without and assistence... because without these I'll probably forever feel and act like I'm never quite complete, satisfied, at peace, mentally well or contented and truly able to self actualize... which will result in desperate attempts to achieve these basic needs by performing and creating internally basically... because I'm externally lacking...it don't seem fair????????????????????
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